How to Create a Positive Attitude

Posted: July 26, 2014 in ALFRED
A positive attitude is never automatic. You have to work at it! Here’s how to become a master of the mind.

 A positive attitude boosts you up when you’re down and supercharges you when you’re already “on a roll.”

 

1. Remember that YOU control your attitude.

Attitude does not emerge from what happens to you, but instead from how you decide to interpret what happens to you.

Take, for example, receiving the unexpected gift of an old automobile. One person might think: “It’s a piece of junk!” a second might think: “It’s cheap transportation,” and a third might think: “It’s a real classic!”

In each case, the person is deciding how to interpret the event and therefore controlling how he or she feels about it (i.e. attitude).

2. Adopt beliefs that frame events in a positive way.

Your beliefs and rules about life and work determine how you interpret events and therefore your attitude. Decide to adopt “strong” beliefs that create a good attitude rather than beliefs that create a bad attitude. To use sales as an example:

  • Situation: The first sales call of the day goes poorly.
  • Weak: A lousy first call means that I’m off my game and today will suck.
  • Strong: Every sales call is different, so the next will probably be better.
  • Situation: A customer reduces the amount of an order at the last minute!
  • Weak: Customers who change orders can’t be trusted.
  • Strong: Customers who change orders are more likely to be satisfied!
  • Situation: A big sales win comes seemingly “out of nowhere.”
  • Weak: Even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while.
  • Strong: You never know when something wonderful will happen!

3. Create a “library” of positive thoughts.

Spend at least 15 minutes every morning to read, view, or listen to something inspirational or motivational. If you do this regularly, you’ll have those thoughts and feelings ready at hand (or rather, ready to mind) when events don’t go exactly the way you’d prefer.

4. Avoid angry or negative media.

Unfortunately, the media is full of hateful people who make money by goading listeners to be paranoid, unhappy, and frightened. The resulting flood of negativity doesn’t just destroy your ability to maintain a positive attitude; it actively inserts you into a state of misery, pique, and umbrage. Rather than suck up the spew, limit your “informational” media consumption to business and industry news.

5. Ignore whiners and complainers.

Whiners and complainers see the world through crap-colored glasses. They’d rather talk about what’s irreparably wrong, rather than make things better. More importantly, complainers can’t bear to see somebody else happy and satisfied.

If you tell a complainer about a success that you’ve experienced, they’ll congratulate them, but their words ring hollow. You can sense they’d just as soon you told them about what’s making you miserable. What a drag (figuratively and literally)!

6. Use a more positive vocabulary.

I’ve written about this before, but the point is worth making again. The words that come out of your mouth aren’t just a reflection of what’s in your brain–they’re programming your brain how to think. Therefore, if you want to have a positive attitude, your vocabulary must be consistently positive. Therefore:

  • Stop using negative phrases such as “I can’t,” “It’s impossible,” or “This won’t work.” These statements program you for negative results.
  • Whenever anyone asks “How are you?” rather than “Hangin’ in there,” or “Okay, I guess…” respond with “Terrific!” or “Never felt better!” And mean it.
  • When you’re feeling angry or upset, substitute neutral words for emotionally loaded ones. Rather than saying “I’m enraged!” say “I’m a bit annoyed…”

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  1. Remember that you are powerful. Most of the time we have no idea what we are supposed to be doing, or who we are supposed to be imitating. I say “imitating” because this is what we do: We conform to the external environment. We play roles and cover up our true selves by identifying with “things” that end up defining who we think we are. I’m a doctor, a salesperson, a secretary, a lawyer; I’m sad, happy, lonely, or miserable. I’m angry, jealous, afraid, and I can’t help it—it’s who I am. The truth is, though, we are none of those things. They are symptoms of the sleepwalking disease. You are more important than any label. We are not our professions. We are not our feelings. We are not our circumstances. We are not even our mind. What we are is far greater, far superior, far more important, and far more mysterious than our conceptual mind tries to define. This is why we are far more powerful than we think we are.

  2. Choose to embrace life. Let go and embrace the moment, whether it contains an obstacle or an opportunity. Stop fussing over trivial matters and start focusing on what’s really important to you. Don’t go through life expecting things to change. Life becomes hard and unfair when we decide to complain about things rather than trying to change them ourselves. Wake up to the truth that life is not a practice-run. Be bold and courageous, and make decisions that benefit your growth. Put yourself on your imaginary death-bed and realize that time stands still for no one. Start as soon as possible to make any necessary changes you may need to. Take the first step before more time gradually passes by while you stand still stagnating. Your choice. Your life. Your responsibility. Your power.

  3. Realize that you get to control your reactions. We create our outside reality by the thoughts and beliefs we maintain about life in general. What we believe in our inner world, we see in our outer world—not the other way around. We all have problems, and we’re often tested by circumstances outside of our control. Even though you may not be in control of what’s going on outside of you, you most definitely can control your reaction to those situations. We have the power because our inner world (cause) affects the influence we allow the outer world (effect) to have on us. So next time you hear somebody mention that you have great personal power, know they are 100% correct. You have more control than you think.

  4. Know that no one is better qualified. We place far too much emphasis on other people’s opinions about us, often to the exclusion of our own. This takes away from our own personal power. No matter what anybody says about you, it doesn’t hold any significance to who you truly are unless you identify or agree with them. Stop identifying with other people’s opinions and become aware of how you see yourself. Nobody knows you better than you do. Never accept another person’s reality as your own. Always believe that you can achieve anything you put your mind to. And, most importantly, never let another person’s opinion of you affect what you believe about yourself.

  5. Believe that you are more than enough. If you have to compare yourself to someone else, let it be a person who is less fortunate, and let it be a lesson to learn just how abundant your life truly is. It’s just a matter of perspective. You may find that you are not entirely grateful for what you possess. You may believe that you need more than you have right now to be happy. If this is the case, then you are absolutely right—you will need more, and you will continue to need more. This cycle will perpetuate as long as your mind believes it to be true. If you focus on what you have, and not on what you lack, you will always have enough, because you will always be enough.

  6. Love yourself. You have arrived. Everything you need is right here. Cut out the distractions, open your eyes, and see that you already have everything in your possession to be happy, loved, and fulfilled. It’s not out there. It never was out there. It’s in the same place it was since the day you were born. It’s just been covered up by all the external things you have identified with over the years. Be yourself. Love yourself completely and accept everything that you are. You are beautiful. Believe it, and most importantly, remind yourself often.

  7. Stay cool. If someone cuts us off in traffic or skips the queue at our local cinema, we may feel our blood pressure begin to rise and feel the need to react in a negative manner. We get uptight with other people’s actions, and in the end we punish ourselves for their bad behavior. We and up losing control over our own actions because of the way other people act. But we are responsible for our own action, regardless of how rude other people may act. If it’s hard to stay cool, remember: you are the one who loses in the end, if you lose the lesson.

  8. Journey well. We know life is about the journey and not the arrival. We don’t need to arrive if we accept that we are already here. Be content with where you are today and don’t make the mistake of putting off being happy because you are waiting for the right moment to shine. Sometimes it takes a conscious effort to enjoy the journey. Not everyone woke up this morning and not everyone will go to bed tonight. Life has no guarantees. Every minute you are living is a blessing that has to be experienced in the moment. It’s not always easy, but it’s always an option—a choice. Your choice.

If you find yourself up against the same problems and issues today which you were facing years ago, it may be the right time to start looking at things differently. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.

Being successful is very simple. Just model others who are successful. Talk like they talk, do what they do, and most importantly think like they think. Focus on less, but only on that which is more important to you, whatever that may be.

There are certain areas which are equally important to the well being of every human when it comes to success and happiness. These areas are spiritual fulfillment, vibrant physical health, nurturing relationships, and financial wealth.

There are many reasons why people fail to attain the state known as success, or even happiness. Below are seven of the most common reasons in my opinion.

Not Knowing What They Want
The number one reason why people are unsuccessful or unhappy is because they do not know what they want out of life. You see, life is a like a blank canvas. It is up to each individual to pick the colors they wish to paint and draw any picture they please. If a person does not choose to pick their colors or picture to paint, they can be certain that someone else who does know what they want will pick it for them.

When going into any situation, whether it is as simple as a phone call, or as complex as an entire lifetime, knowing what you want is essential to getting what you want. It is the destination which we must have in mind clearly prior to starting any journey.

Not Doing What They Know
Knowledge and action are worlds apart. Just because you know that you need to eat healthy and exercise regularly in order to attain vibrant health does not mean that you will do it.

In my personal opinion, the only reason why people do what they know is because of an intense desire to gain what they are after. If there is a strong emotional need to become healthier, richer, happier, or whatever else, there is nothing in the world which can stop a human will to achieve these ideals.

Not Associating With The Right People
Simply said, you will eventually become who your friends are. Either they will become like you, or you like them. It is plain, yet profoundly true. It is also a fact that your earnings will be within 20% or so of the average earnings of your five closest friends. Don’t believe me? Do the rough math in your own head for your own situation and you are certainly in for a shocker.

The people who we surround ourselves with immensely affect how we think. We borrow not only their thoughts and ideologies, but also their manners and habits. Associate yourself with positive, successful people and you are certain to become one as well.

Not learning and Educating Further
Tom Hopkins, a Real Estate genius put it this way; “No one limits your growth but you. If you want to earn more, learn more.” Further educating yourself in the areas which you deem important and worthwhile is an absolute necessity to just earning more but also advancing your life further as a whole.

Want to learn more? Walk into a Borders or Barnes & Noble and you are certain to find more books on the areas of your interest that you can possibly read in the next year. There is also a tremendous amount of free information available of the Internet on any subject you can think of. Use this information to learn more and constantly grow yourself.

Doing What Everyone Else Is Doing
If you do what everyone else is doing, you are going to have what everyone else has. This may not be a bad thing, however if you are not wanting to settle for what everyone else has, than be ready to take action differently. Most adults go out and get a college degree, or not even that, they work different jobs for 30-40 years, and are dependent upon the government or others to take care of them in their later years.

If you do not want that for yourself, you have got to get away from the weekly paycheck trap. It is a total hamster wheel. You may be working very hard and constantly busy but you will not be going anywhere in all actuality.

Not Taking Enough Risks
Simply put, the bigger the risk the bigger the reward. If you are willing to put yourself out there and be vulnerable, you will have so much more to gain than those who choose to blanket their lives with “security.” I love what Bob Parsons, founder of GoDaddy.com has to say about security, “Security is for cadavers.”

The truth is that real growth occurs when you get and stay out of your normal comfort zone. You only gain the most when you push yourself to do things you are uncomfortable doing under normal circumstances.

Giving Up
Unfortunately most people have been accustomed to giving up as being okay. If you are running a marathon and your foot start hurting, society teaches us that it is okay to stop and pull out because you foot was hurting. The question to ask yourself is; how can you ever win a race if you don’t finish it?

In reality, the last 20% of your effort typically gives you 80% of your results. You must keep going until you have accomplished whatever you set out to do. If you can only learn to get out of your own way and just keep going, there is nothing that will be able to stop you.

These seven reasons are what I believe to be the biggest challenges which stop people in living the life of their dreams and experience the beauty of all that life has to offer. If we can learn to overcome these challenges, and constantly push ourselves to advance further, all of the rewards are ours to gain and enjoy.

How to Overcome Failure

Posted: May 31, 2014 in Uncategorized

How to Overcome Failure

Failure is a given in life; expecting to sail through without a hiccup is unrealistic and sets you up to fall harder when failure does happen. Avoiding failure also prevents you from focusing on gaining the resiliency needed to cope with it, a vital element of bouncing back.

It is unfortunate that in societies obsessed with success and achievement, failure can be made to feel like the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. The reality is that failure is commonplace but so is overcoming it and pushing through to more successful endeavors in the future. Even where a failure cannot be salvaged, there is always something to be learned from it. In this article, you’ll learn a little about how to overcome failure through having the right attitude. When you don’t let the mishaps of life keep you down too long, then nobody else will be able to keep you down too long either.
Steps
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1Expect mistakes. Life’s hard knocks are as common as life’s success knocks. To expect the process of living to always be smooth sailing is to invite a lack of realism into your life. It happens to the best of us. Failure helps to create balance in your life and presents an opportunity for personal growth. Accepting the inevitability that things won’t always go your way is an important part of avoiding becoming bitter and twisted, or of preventing yourself from simply resting on your laurels and never pushing further to realize your full potential.
Learn to love finding out that you’re wrong about something. That’s not failure; it’s enlightenment and the path to finding the right way.
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Read How to control perfectionism if this behavioral trait is holding you back in life. Perfectionism causes us to fear failure and to feel we’re personally a failure when we’re faced with it. Seeking to always be perfect sows our own seeds of disappointment. Trying and failing is a much better teacher of what it means to be human than never trying and never succeeding.
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2Remind yourself that you are good enough. Leo Babauta suggests that not believing we are good enough rests at the heart of fearing failure.[1] Failures serve as proof of this greatest fear, causing us to want to withdraw and not try again for fear of being further exposed as inadequate and incapable. However, this fear is not founded in reality; nobody is perfect and everyone will err at various points in life. The real difference between people who become successful and overcome failure and those who do not comes down to how you manage failure and how you view its impact on you. Feeling inadequate is a commonplace human feeling that even very public, very successful people feel but they don’t let it keep them down. You are good enough; all you need is to give yourself the go-ahead to keep trying.
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3Remain calm. Whatever you’re feeling about a failure, don’t lose your composure over it. Look at it this way – it won’t make any difference to the outcome itself whether you blow your top or stay calm but it will take a lot less energy and maintain your reputation if you choose the latter response. If you’re really frustrated and angry, channel these emotions to motivate you to start again.
Don’t take your anger out on others. It’s not good to bottle up feelings, but you can’t go around taking out your anger on those around you for no good reason. Go for a run, a swim, or a boxing session to relieve tension and give you space to think. Just do something focused and energized to distract yourself from the initial intense feelings until they calm.
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Take your time. People don’t usually recover from a large failure overnight. It takes time for the emotions to heal. That doesn’t mean you’re entitled to mope though. This time is better spent going over how to do it better next time and building up your resilience.

4Forget about how other people view you. Not only will any very obvious failure soon be yesterday’s news, but if you think other people are judging you (and maybe they are, maybe they aren’t), it won’t be long before they’re too busy worrying about their own failures to sling mud at yours. After all, everyone’s going to fail now and then; inflicting gloating on someone else has a way of boomeranging right back, a reality which serves as a natural form of tapering off constant criticism. And ultimately, what’s it matter what the critics think? Most of the time they haven’t a clue what effort has gone into what you’ve done and what you’re trying to achieve – it’s all too easy to be an expert critic without being privy to the inside information.
Allow each failure to serve as an opportunity to strengthen your determination in the face of criticism. This is a far more positive and self-sustaining response than giving in to believing the often nasty and thoughtless things other people can say.

5Shift out of your head space. All of the negativity is in your head. The reality is that you will recover. And the bonus is that you will gain knowledge, insight, and experience – wisdom that only those who tried something can lay claim to. Step outside of your personal negative sphere and reach out to the people around you who care about you; enjoy their company and learn about how other people cope with failures instead of simply focusing on yourself.
Visualize each failure as a stepping stone to a stronger, more resilient self. Treat each failure as a gift of learning what not to do in the future.
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Respect the humility that comes with failure. Too much success can sometimes lead us astray and cause us to grow an unwarranted sense of being infallible and feeling superior to others. Failure can knock the stuffing out of such unrealistic self-aggrandizement and help set you back on the right course.
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6Stop worrying, start laughing. Yes, the sun will come up again tomorrow. Yes, things might be miserable for a little while but how will worrying help? Think back to a time when you worried a lot. Did it make any difference? Most likely not, apart from giving you more wrinkles and gray hair. The greatest thing you can do for yourself during failure is to inject humor into your reflection of what happened. While there will be a period in which you feel especially tender, being able to laugh at yourself for mistakes can be an important part of the healing process, readying you for moving on again. Being able to say “Oh I did that, ha, ha, such a way to stuff up, ha, ha!” is part of putting failure into perspective.
Be very careful that you don’t take on other people’s mistakes or circumstances as being your failure. Humor is one way of telling you that you don’t need to carry the world on your shoulders and that sometimes, things just happen, no matter what you do or do not do.

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7Review what your failure has taught you. There are always things to take away from a failure, to inform your future direction. It might also be the case that you have made the failure seem worse than it is; partial failure is also partial success and if you can draw out what was successful and build on that, the sense of having failed lessens. Sociologist Hugh Mackay believes that we don’t value failure in the way we ought to. Stating that failure is often interpreted as a sign of personal inadequacy, he says that this denies its vital role as part of the process of maturation throughout life.[2] In other words, the learning never stops and the lessons include:
Failure can help you discover your best self. Failure is a signal that you’re willing to press on and discover new talents and the edge of your existing ones; reaching beyond what you know into what you don’t know.
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Failure is about mastery. It’s easy to flip from one new thing to another and be a Jack or Jill of many skills but a master or mistress of none. It’s much, much harder to have the patience to master one thing really well and to do it with precision and exactitude. And to master something, one must fail at it, a lot.
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Failure teaches you about will-power, persistence, self-discipline, and the value of hard work. One of the signs of living in fear of failure is distraction. When you allow distraction to overtake your life, you’re comforted that your distractions can hide your potential to fail. Ironically, distracting yourself is a failure in its own right – a failure to take the time to keep trying, to continue toward perfecting whatever you’re learning to do or seeking to become. Ultimately, failure teaches you the value of persistence and hard work.

8Stay in the present. Fear of failure is a future projection of worry and a reliance on what happened in the past. If you’re stuck in this kind of thinking, you’re living life according to what might happen. Author Leo Babauta suggests that the response needed here is to “just do it, now, in the moment… bring yourself back in the moment and focus on what you’re doing right at this moment.”[3] By remaining in the present, you stay focused on the potential of now and allow your creativity, smarts, and innovative drive to bloom. Past failures are foundational lessons for better understandings in the present and an improved sense of living now; the future is created through your commitment to the present rather than your present being lead by your fear of tomorrow’s possible losses.
Embrace fear. Failure can only keep you down if you continue to fear it. Embrace the fear and you release yourself from its control. Allowing fear to control you renders you vulnerable to being controlled. Unchecked fear can cause you to let others make decisions for you in life; while that may be a recipe for not taking responsibility when things go wrong, it can also mean you lose your sense of creativity, innovation, and even your sense of self. Help show people it’s not only fine to fail but healthy to break this fear!

9Allow yourself to fail on purpose. Personal development guru Steve Pavlina recommends failing on purpose.[4] He suggests that it is a good thing to set out to do something that you know will fail provided it won’t harm others or have long-term negative consequences. He recommends learning something in which you have no talent, trying something beyond your skills set and asking for something when you know the answer will be no (such as a raise, promotion, etc.).[5] From doing this, Steve believes that you’ll experience more benefits than losses, such as learning how to handle failure, how to extract key issues, knowing your limits, and unearthing the value of partial success.
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10Focus on trying again. Dale Carnegie once said that it was essential to “develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.” Persistence is the source of success for the majority of people on this planet. Overnight successes are rare; they are usually people who have been trying and failing and trying again many times over. Successful ad man Siimon Reynolds believes that lack of persistence is a major reason as to why people fail; giving up too soon means that you’ll never know whether what you’re seeking to do or be was achievable and he says that this is the case for “the majority of people”![6]
Don’t confuse lack of persistence with a goal that’s not possible to achieve; most times it’s the lack of persistence and not the goal that’s the problem. Naturally, doing things the exact same way that lead to failure is not the answer; instead, focus on the goal and take the lessons from what didn’t work to show you how you can find new, improved ways to reach your goal this time.

11Grow. Popular motivational coach Anthony Robbins says that we don’t just grow for ourselves – we grow so that we can contribute well beyond ourselves.[7] This is an important thing to remember when you’re proceeding through failures. Your experiences are available for others to learn from if you’re willing to share them, as well as being willing to share with others how you pushed beyond failure into a more fruitful and fulfilling outcome, and even what happened when you couldn’t overcome the failure. This helps everyone become more understanding and accepting of the role of failure in success-driven societies.
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12Ditch boredom and live large. Failure is the flipside of success and without it, there could be no joy in pushing through the odds, to know what success truly feels like when achieved. At the end of the day, it’s a funny world where we’re all longing for everything to be simple and easy without any bumps on the road; the sooner you realize that life doesn’t come with automatic smoothing agents, the sooner you’ll be happier about experiencing the bumps. And just imagine how boring life would be if you had nothing to improve or aim for! Keep in mind that the feeling of failure is the feeling of being alive. It’s a sign you’ve given things a go, pushed boundaries, and bounced back.

OUR PREDICAMENT

One of the most enduring illusions is that we will find our worth, and thus happiness. We strive, strive, strive (myself included), working towards goals and products we believe will make us happy. Enjoyment is postponed, and precious minutes of our lives are sacrificed to the Gods of Productivity for the hope of a better tomorrow. This is a deal we all seem to make. Well, I’m here to remind you to not put all your eggs in the future basket, and there are some damned good reasons why.

The most note worthy of these reasons is that the assumption “We will be happier when ______ happens” doesn’t seem to be as black and white as we think. In his book “Stumbling On Happiness”, and his excellent Ted Talk, Daniel Gilbert points out how inaccurate our predictions of how we’ll feel in the future truly are. For starters, we assume that we will be much happier if we achieve a certain outcome, but research has shown that when happiness is measured months after achieving or not achieving certain outcomes, the ratings tend to be about the same.

We also tend to justify how we feel about certain outcomes after they happen. For example, research has shown reliably that we tend to evaluate an outcome we’re stuck with as more positively than if we can change that outcome. It’s like if we’re stuck with what happened, we accept it better by convincing ourselves that we’re better off for what happened. This tendency has been dramatically demonstrated with prisoners who have claimed they were better off for going to jail, but anecdotally, we can notice this in ourselves when we have the “We’ll, I’m better off anyway!” reaction to a partner leaving us.

The other side to this “I’m better off anyway!” tendency is that if we have the power and chance to alter our outcome, our happiness sometimes becomes sullied by indecision. A study on this gave participants artistic looking photographs and told them they could select one to take home with them. In one condition the participants were told they could change their mind at any time and switch the photograph they took home; in another condition participants were told their decision was final. It was found that those who could not change their choice ended up liking their photograph much more than those who had the power to alter their choice at any point. Unfortunately, even when asked if participants would like their choices to be final or not, most said they want to be able to change their mind; even though the opportunity to change their mind actually made them less happy with their choice.

We also assume situations in reality will be just as they are in our minds. If I were to ask you if you wanted to go to a house party tomorrow, somewhere you had never been, you would think about it, mentally put yourself in that situation, and gauge if that feels enjoyable or not. The reality is the place you mentally envisioned was far more a construct of your mind than an image of reality. How did you picture the room set up? What kind of people would be there? Would there be music? If so, what kind? Would many people be talking to strangers? Or would partygoers stick to their small group of friends? So many variables exist; variables you have no way of honestly assessing. Yet we respond as if we have an educated idea of what something will be like, and incorrectly assume we have an accurate view of the future.

Our predictions about how we’ll feel in the future are also heavily influenced by how we feel right now. When pondering whether you want to go to the party in the previous example, you will ask yourself if you will be feeling social or not. You may try to predict whether you will be feeling social tomorrow or not, but the reality is that your decision will be heavily affected by how you feel right now. If you’re feeling very tired and antisocial right now, you’re far less likely to agree to something energy consuming and social; even if it is tomorrow.

Compounding all these errors of perception, is that we seem to be happiest when we’re just living in the moment anyway. For centuries there has been a bias in eastern spirituality to embrace the moment, relinquish our emphasis on the ego, and strive for Zen-like acceptance of our lives. I’ve found some personal truth in this perspective, but Matt Killingsworth has done some empirical research to support these claims. He found that when he randomly asked people throughout the day to report how happy they are and what they are doing, they tended to report being happiest when they’re focusing on the moment, instead of letting their minds wander. Most of the time, participants’ thoughts tended to wander to negative things, but even when participants’ thoughts wandered to good things they were about as happy as when they simply stayed in the moment.

WHY DO WE THINK THIS WAY?

So if we’re not really accurate at predicting what will make us happy, and we tend to be happiest when we’re lost in the moment, why do we put so much sacrifice and effort into the future? I think one reason is, intuitively, it just feels like we ought to know what will make us happy. It just seems so obvious that winning the lottery would make us happy and being disabled would make us unhappy. However, in measuring levels of happiness in lottery winners, Daniel Gilbert has shown they don’t seem much happier over the long term. Biped contributor Bonnie Bieganski has even talked about her own experience being disabled, and how despite assumptions to the contrary, she is very happy. We tend to overestimate the difference in happiness such events will cause, but even with these anecdotes and evidence, it still feels like that can’t be right.

Another point Daniel brings up is we also perceive different qualities of happiness (“True” happiness VS. “Synthetic” happiness). For example, we accept when someone states they are “better off” because of a negative event, but think they are sort of fooling themselves, and would be more “genuinely happy” if that event did not happen. Daniel’s talk challenges this tendency to doubt the power of “synthetic happiness”, by showing that patients who are unable to make new memories still show this tendency to “synthesize” preferences for outcomes that have happened to them, even when they don’t remember that these are their outcomes. He did the same experiment where participants rated artistic looking photographs, but this time he used amnesia patients. He asked them to rate which photograph they had chosen, left the room until the patients forgot they had participated in the experiment, then returned to have the patients reevaluate the images. These amnesic patients showed the same increased liking of the photograph they had chosen, despite not actually being able to remember which photograph they had chosen before. They aren’t fooling themselves; they are actually changing their fundamental brain responses to what makes them happy, and increasing the happiness of their specific outcomes. This assumption, “Synthetic” happiness isn’t as good as “True” happiness, is relevant because we strive towards the outcomes that we believe we need in order to be happy; we don’t balance those ambitions with the knowledge that we’ll probably feel the same even if we don’t get what we want, and we even unconsciously bias ourselves to better like our choices anyway.

The economic system also plays a major role in shaping this belief that we must achieve happiness. As Daniel so eloquently put it, “A shopping mall full of Zen monks is not going to be particularly profitable because they don’t want stuff enough.” The backbone of mass media marketing has been to create a need or insecurity in the population, then sell them something to satiate that need or cover up that insecurity. Imagine a commercial that says “Buy this new shirt! Or not. Long term, you’ll be pretty much as happy either way.” It doesn’t happen because the emphasis is not on creating happiness, but on profit. I wonder, how different would our consumerist choices be if we factored in how irrelevant they usually are to our happiness?

TAKE HOME SUGGESTIONS

People don’t know what they want, they can’t predict how things will make them feel, and they’re happier focusing on the moment anyway, so how does one structure their life with these principles in mind? Well I think it’s important to remember that not all experiences are equal. It is perfectly natural and logically to prefer winning the lottery to getting a tooth pulled. These experiences do effect our immediate happiness. The relevant lesson to remember is that long term, these experiences may not effect your overall happiness all that differently. My personal strategy? I ask myself “Will this bother me in 3 months?” If the answer is no, it’s not a big deal.

There is also a tendency for people to be happiest living in the moment. It’s fine to work hard and sacrifice in order to achieve a goal you think will make you happy, but keep in mind you aren’t sure it’ll make you happy, and all the time you spend living for the future is time you’re probably not enjoying today. If at all possible, try to work for your goals in a manner you enjoy, and appreciate the thrill of the journey along the way. If you can’t enjoy working in the moment, be mindful of just how much time you’re sacrificing for a hypothetical happier tomorrow. It’s a bad trade to spend significant amounts of your life not enjoying your time, due to fantasizing about doing something that likely won’t substantially add to your happiness anyway.

Be mindful of how you’re spending your time. Try to appreciate the moment and the task at hand, and balance the cost/potential benefit ratio of working solely for the future. Though it is a dreadful thought to imagine looking back at your life and realize you didn’t accomplish any goals, it seems equally bad to look back and realize you never really enjoyed your time either. No matter the goal, if you don’t enjoy working towards it, how much time of your life is acceptable to sacrifice? That answer should determine how you consciously structure your life.

SUCCSESS AND FAILURE

Posted: May 31, 2014 in Uncategorized

Dear seekers, dear friends, dear brothers and sisters, I wish to give a short talk on failure and success from the spiritual point of view.

Failure is a discouraging force. Success is an encouraging force. Failure makes us feel that we have been forced to climb down the life tree. Success makes us feel that we have climbed up the life tree and enjoyed the most delicious fruit.

What is failure? It is a tearful cry. What is success? It is a fruitful smile. When we fail, whose failure is it? It is the failure of our unlit vital. When we succeed, whose success is it? It is the success of our satisfied vital.

Why do we fail? Is it because we are unlucky? Is it because we have not worked very hard? Is it because we have not invoked God’s Compassion and Blessings? Is it because God has accepted this failure as an experience He wanted to have in our life? Is it because God has granted this failure to us? Is it because God has willed that we should lose? No! not it is for a different reason that we experience failure. It is for the strengthening of our consciousness that, at times, God grants us defeat.

Why do we succeed? Is it because we are lucky? Is it because we have worked very hard; is it because God’s Compassion and Blessings we have invoked? No, it is not because of these things that we achieve success. We succeed because God, out of His infinite Kindness, wants us to win in the battlefield of life. God grants us defeat in order to strengthen us: He grants us success in order to encourage us.

The body of the man of failure says to God, “Father, You do not love me. Therefore, I have failed.” The vital of the man of failure says to God, “Father, You do not care for me. Therefore, I have failed.” The mind of the man of failure says to God, “Father You are indifferent to me. Therefore, I have failed.”

But the Father says to His children, “No, My children, you are wrong.”

The body of the man of success says to the Father, “Father, You love me only. Therefore, I have succeeded.” The vital of the man of success says to the Father, “Father, You care for me only. Therefore, I have succeeded.” The mind of the man of success says to God, “Father, You have most special Compassion for me. You show Your Compassion to me only. Therefore, I have succeeded.”

But the Father says to these children of His, “No, My children, you are wrong. It is not because I love you more than others that you get success and they do not. In the inner life there is no such thing as failure and success. There is only an ever transcending progress. Through repeated defeats, I want you to become a spiritual giant so you can defeat the ignorance giant that wants to devour the world. Through success, I want you to run faster than the fastest. I want you to defeat the ignorance-animal, the ignorance donkey. If you reach the goal sooner than ignorance, then you will be able to realise Me, reveal Me and manifest Me. And once I am manifested through you, there will be no suffering, no bondage, no limitation, no death, no darkness.

The Father says to failure, “I want you to be stronger than the strongest. It is you who have to be responsible for My full Manifestation on earth. I want to entrust you with the supreme Duty. Therefore, I am making you strong, divinely and supremely strong.

“Failure and success, I have equal love for both of you. Do not judge Me; only love Me. If you love Me, then you will feel that I am fulfilling Myself in and through you, through both of you in a unique way.”

Failure says to the Father, “Father, is there any way I can succeed?”

“Yes, My son, there is a way. If you are more careful, more alert, more conscious at every moment, then success will be yours.”

Success says to the Father, “Father, is there any way I can have success all the time?”

“Yes, there is a way. You have to be cheerful and self giving. If you give yourself cheerfully, then you are bound to achieve success all the time.”

Progress says to the Father, “Father, is there any way I can always make progress?”

“Yes, there is a way, My child. You should always aim at ever transcending Perfection. If your goal is to reach perfection, then at every moment you will always make progress. Perfection is not a stagnant pool but a running river; it is always moving towards the infinite Sea, its Source. Therefore, you should always try to make your goal the ever transcending Reality. If you do this, you will always be able to make progress and satisfy Me.”

When we love God, when we serve God, when we surrender ourselves totally to God, at that time failure cannot make us sad. We do not care for success, we do not even care for progress. Our love, devotion and surrender lifts our consciousness far above the heights of failure and success and progress, and we become surrendered to God’s Omnipotent Will. When we become inseparably one with God’s Will, we enjoy divine satisfaction in our inner life and in our outer life. This divine satisfaction is what God wants from all of us. He created us so that we could be divinely satisfied; this was the only purpose He had in His Vision. His Vision was transcendental, but He wanted to manifest His transcendental Vision here in the universal Reality. The Real in us wants from us not failure, not success, not even progress, but only God Satisfaction and God Fulfilment in and through us, through our surrender to God’s Will.

By ALFRED APPIAH

I’ve always heard that “public speaking” is the number one most common fear. According to a recent survey I conducted in my e-newsletter, however, this is not the case. Overwhelmingly my readership chose “failure.”

Like public speaking, failure is not inherently bad. We’re conditioned to avoid it, but there are plenty of reasons to change our perspective. Here are nine advantages to failing:

1. Failure teaches us. Two words I will never misspell are “flexible” and “exchequer.” Why? Because each word knocked me out of a junior high spelling bee. Failure creates an emotional experience, so the lessons we learn when it happens stick. Additionally, going through failure narrows down the possible approaches to success. Scientists rely on trial and error in their research. Each failed experiment brings them a little closer to revolutionary breakthroughs. Think of your own efforts as experiments. When you don’t get the desired result, figure out why. Then try again with your new knowledge.

2. Failure reveals our ability. You’ll never know how much weight you can lift until you reach an amount you can’t. Trainers often refer to this as “lifting to failure.” Pushing yourself as far as you can lets you know what’s possible. By avoiding limits, you’ll never reach your peak. The fear of failure stops us a lot shorter than failure itself. So keep going until nothing more is possible. Then celebrate what you’ve accomplished.

3. Failure makes us stronger. Those same weight lifters who lift to failure also have learned that is the way they build muscle. At first the tissue is damaged, but it’ll heal bigger and stronger than before. Soon the athlete will be able to lift more weight. The same is true for our pursuits. Failure strengthens our character. We humans bounce higher than we fall. Know that with each effort, you grow a little stronger.

4. Failure inspires us. When we don’t let discouragement hold us back, failure makes our desire burn hotter. Often this inspiration is a wish to avoid another failure. Many people don’t know that Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team. “It was good because it made me know what disappointment felt like,” he told the Chicago Tribune. “And I knew that I didn’t want to have that feeling ever again.” This led to a work ethic that would elevate him to legendary status. If failure makes you work harder or focus more, it’s an experience with tremendous value.

5. Failure inspires others. Leaders must take risks. Even when they don’t succeed, their courage can still make a difference. In 1980, 18-year-old Terry Fox attempted to raise $1 million for cancer research by running across the entire length of Canada on a prosthetic leg. He ran 3339 miles before a relapsed cancer ended his quest. He lost his life, but his effort has inspired over $340 million in donations to date. His “failure” was hardly in vain.

6. Failure builds courage. Becoming more comfortable with failing enables you to take more risks. If you know you can stomach it, it will no longer threaten you. I used to take groups through ropes courses, requiring them to pursue physical challenges thirty feet off the ground. Often participants would fail at the first high event. While some got discouraged, others discovered that failing wasn’t so bad. They were proud for having tried in the first place. Knowing that failure was an option made it easier for them to try the next event. Their courage came not from achieving success, but from their willingness to pursue to it. If you’re open to failing, you’ll readily take more chances.

7. Failure is better than regret. The times I’ve been denied an opportunity never felt as bad as when I’ve let opportunities pass me by. At least when we fail, we know. Not trying at all leaves us wondering. Avoid kicking yourself later by taking a leap today.

8. Failure leaves us open to better opportunities. I was once turned down for a job for which I thought I was the perfect candidate. While unemployment can be scary, rejection can be humiliating. After a few weeks of frustration, I was offered another position I hadn’t pursued. This opportunity was more interesting and considerably more lucrative. Without an awareness of the big picture, it’s easy to perceive failure as misfortune. Maybe it’s nature’s way of making sure we wind up where we’re best suited.

9. Failure makes success a little sweeter. We appreciate victory more when we’ve tasted defeat. Life wouldn’t be fun if things always worked out. Know that your failure is just part of the game we’re all playing. We expend a lot of energy running from failure. Try embracing it. Find the opportunity in the adversity. If there’s a recipe for success, failure might be its primary ingredient.

There are times when every business is going through a restructure. Some companies seem to do this every few years, some every year, and some seem to be undergoing one eternal restructure!

Have you ever noticed that some people are restructure proof? Fear does not grip their body at the mention of that word. They never leave. They never get demoted. They are important to the company.

This reminds me of a story. Please excuse me; we are a training company, so there is always a story.

A big corporation hired several cannibals. “You are all part of our team now,” said the HR manager during the welcome briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees.”

The cannibals promised they would not.

A few weeks later, the cannibals’ boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?” The cannibals all shook their heads, “No,” they said.

After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others angrily, “Right, which one of you idiots ate the secretary?” A hand rose hesitantly in admission. “You fool!” said the leader. “For weeks, we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!”

Are you someone important to your company? Would they miss you if you were no longer there?

When most people hear that dreaded word ‘restructure,’ fear fills their mind and the thought arises: “Am I going to be made redundant?” This is generally followed by a blubbering cry of, “Who will hire me? I have a mortgage to pay, car payments, and I need money to wash the dog!”

How can we make sure that we are someone important? What can we do to be in the best position to remain in the company? How can we be one of those people that are indispensable?

In my preparation for writing this blog, I decided to get some wisdom from people I respect. I asked some of our best clients — senior managers who work for global companies. These people have walked the walk; they have been bulletproof when it comes to restructure.

These are their 5 Keys to Becoming Indispensable at Work:

1. Hold the mindset that change provides opportunity.

There is an ancient wisdom etched into Chinese vocabulary. The Chinese ideogram for crisis consists of two separate characters. One means danger; the other means opportunity. The proper translation is that a crisis is a dangerous opportunity. When confronted with a crisis, you need to recognise both the danger and the opportunity. Often the danger is more readily apparent, while the opportunity can be deftly concealed. The thing to keep in mind is to look for the opportunity as well as the danger. Crisis holds the potential for both.

In studying hundreds of famous people, whether politicians, sportspeople, business people, or spiritual leaders, I have found that crisis comes to every person in some way. Those who rise in the midst of crisis and see it as an opportunity to change and grow become greater and more powerful. They reach heights that they would never have attained had they never experienced that crisis. As masterful innovator Walt Disney put it, “You may not realise it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth might be the best thing in the world for you.”

When change is imminent, hold the mindset that change provides opportunity, remain positive, and don’t dwell on the danger but dwell on the opportunity.

2. Do not overfocus on the next job position but rather on the skills to be developed.

I think that most people today are aware that the company does not have the same amount of loyalty to you that they used to a few years ago. There was a time the company would have a track for your life. You could go and meet with your manager and they could tell you where you are going and when you will get there.

Today, you are your manager and you need to plan out your own career path to your dream job. Therefore, it is important that you are not focused on the job position, but rather on the skills required.

I like to say it like this: “You have to do the job before you get the title.” In other words, if you want to be the CIO, then you need to develop the hard and soft skills required for a CIO; you need the education of a CIO, you need to start dressing like a CIO, acting like a CIO, speaking like a CIO, and then one day, when you have had the right amount of experience, someone is going to say, “I think Jessica would make a great CIO!”

3. Building relationships with key decision makers.

It’s not only what you know but whom you know. I have seen people scoot all the way up the ladder of a company through being connected closely with key decision makers.

Think of football coaches: they build their team and work with players for years, and then they get headhunted to another club as head coach, and what is the first thing they do? They try to get their key players to move to the new club, as well. They are like a positive cliché. Where one goes, they all go. Some coaches and key players move together all the way through their playing life.

Why? Because just as the players think that the coach has made them succeed, the coach thinks that the players have helped him or her succeed. They are a powerful team, and they feel powerful together. Sir Edmund Hillary needed Tenzing Norgay to climb Everest. We all need to find an “internal coach” whom we can work with and who would support us to climb our Everest.

4. Exhibit the ability to get ‘stuff’ done.

How do you build these key relationships? You build them by working on projects with key stakeholders, complimenting their skills, and making them look good.

As one senior manager put it to me, “Over the years, I’ve had the opportunity to work for some great ‘blue sky’ leaders, but they couldn’t project-manage their way out of a lunch bag. While I’ve probably not been the best at brainstorming new and creative ideas, in many situations I’ve been able to take their ‘kernel’ of an idea, pour some fertiliser on it, and make it grow and flourish into a great program and actually implement it.”

In projects, there are two key parts–the front end and the back end, people and tasks, marketing and operations, talkers and doers. If the key stakeholder is a talker, then you need to be a doer. If you are the key doer to the key stakeholder, then you ain’t going nowhere fast! They need you to keep making their projects succeed.

5. Treat everyone with genuine respect.

It’s not just about managing well, but also about how you treat your peers, team members, and vendors alike. You never know who you may be working for or with some day, so treat everyone as you’d want to be treated and keep confidences when someone confides in you and wants some advice. As one senior manager in a global I.T. company put it to me, “I believe in creating good karma with those you interact with.”

Along with the other things I have mentioned, this will stand you in good stead with decision makers and bring you allies and supporters in the organisation. When business takes a turn for the worse and they’re considering who to cut, you often won’t make the list if you have built those relationships and have shown the ability to deliver with quality over and over again.

Nothing is worse than when someone feels sorry for themselves and they keep fabricating excuses as to why they can’t do something amazing.

“I could never do that! I’m not as ______ as you.” Bull. Freaking. Crap.

“I don’t have time.” America’s worst lie.

“I don’t know how.” Then learn.

There I said it. I said it all and it’s out in the open. No takesy backsy (that’s right, I just went kindergarten on you.)

Hey, I get it. It’s terrifying jumping into the unknown and taking risks.

If you’re afraid then admit it. Stop beating around the bush and trying to cover your own ass with some flimsy excuse. No one is buying it.

The majority of the excuse generators are young people who have nothing to lose and nothing tying them down. Some people are genuinely bogged down by responsibilities so they’re more easily forgiven. But what about the rest of us?

I had a vision two years ago and for whatever reason, I was motivated as all hell that day. I shared vague details with my family and told them pieces of it to gauge how much support I’d get from them.

The responsive support was an overwhelming zero. If I recall correctly, there was some laughter at my expense.

The plans I told them were the blueprints for the website you’re on right now. That day was the first time a surge of motivation came over me that made me want something more than my body naturally wanted to breathe.

545650_348329878595045_710811237_n.jpg1* Dare to Dream
No, I’m not being redundant. To achieve a dream, you have to first be willing to dream it. Some people never get this far.

For Rapunzel, the great dream is to reach the origin of the “floating lights” she sees every year on her birthday. Although her “mother” never lets her leave the tower, Rapunzel still lines her walls with murals of the lights and clings to the hope that someday she’ll be able to see them in person.

What about you? Do have the courage to dream? Or, are you constantly telling yourself, “That’ll never happen?” You can’t reach a goal that you don’t have. And it’s much easier to drift through life aimlessly than it is to risk suffering the pain and disappointment of failure. But, are you willing to go beyond “easy” to realize a dream? That’s where it starts. Having a dream is table stakes for dream-fulfillment.

#2. Get a Guide
You don’t have to do it alone. It is your dream, but there are many who will be willing to help you achieve it. All you have to do is ask.

Or, in Rapunzel’s case, threaten! Flynn, Rapunzel’s eventual love interest in the story, happens upon the tower accidentally one day with a crown stolen from the King and Queen’s palace. Naturally, Rapunzel does not know the way to the “floating lights.” Determined to get there, she hides the crown from Flynn and agrees only to return it after he guides her to the lights.

Who have you adopted as your guide? Even if you do know where you’re going, a second perspective is always useful. It can be a family member, friend, teacher, coach, or manager. Find someone who knows the way and enlist them for help. You won’t regret it!

#3. Leave Your Tower
To make your dreams come true, you’ve got to get started.

Eventually, you need to move from the realm of thinking to the realm of doing. You need to make a “no turning back” decision that sets you in the direction of accomplishing your goals.

For Rapunzel, this decision is to leave her tower for the first time in her life. Once her feet touch the ground, she realizes that she’s taken the biggest step that she’ll need to take during her entire journey. “I can’t believe I did this!” She keeps shouting as she experiences her newfound freedom.

Have you taken the initial step? Or, are you still stuck in your tower dreaming? Nothing will ever happen until you get started. You’ve got to get out of your comfort zone and burn the bridge leading back to it. Break off the unhealthy relationship you’re in. Buy an expensive set of paints for your first masterpiece. Quit your job. Do something that sends the signal that you are serious and you’re not turning back.

#4. Shun Criticism
Cynics will abound. For every person willing to help you, there will be a hundred telling you why you can’t or shouldn’t go after your dreams. In fact, this is why many people don’t ever try–because they don’t want to disappoint others.

Rapunzel, in order to fulfill her dream of seeing the “floating lights,” must defy her mother–who is always telling her why she can’t succeed. As much as it hurts, Rapunzel’s determination outweighs her doubts, and she pursues her dream despite her mother’s critical remarks.

Who is holding you back? Is it your parents? Friends? Colleagues? No matter who it is, you must learn to disregard anything they say that discourages you from your pursuit. In seeking to accomplish your goals, you will disappoint people. You have to live with that. But the real question is whether or not you’re disappointing yourself. No one else is living your life but you. Thrive on encouragement, and wash criticism off like the filth that it is.

#5. Face the Ruffians
If you aren’t doing what scares you, you aren’t doing enough. Challenges will await you as you pursue your dream and, if your fear outweighs your desire to succeed, you aren’t going to get anywhere. You have to be willing to take risks.

The first people that Rapunzel encounters on her quest are the “ruffians” her mother warns her about. Rapunzel and Flynn enter into a bar full of burly, grotesquely frightening men who leave Rapunzel paralyzed with fear. However, when these men seize Flynn and threaten to turn him in to the authorities, Rapunzel bravely intervenes, crying out in desperation, “I need him to take me to see the floating lights! It’s something I’ve been dreaming about my whole life. Find your humanity! Haven’t any of you ever had a dream?” Stunned, the most frightening of the “ruffians” approaches Rapunzel and, just as you think he’s going to strike her, he bursts into song about how he always wanted to be a pianist. Soon, all the men in the bar are singing about their dreams and the “ruffians” end up helping Rapunzel escape.

Ask someone out. Display your work at the local art gallery. Give a presentation to a prospective employer. Do something scary. If there is no opportunity to fail, then there really is no opportunity to succeed. To make progress, you’ve got to face your fears. When you do, you’ll find that the “ruffians” aren’t quite as intimidating as you imagined them to be.

#6. Enjoy the Journey
The process of fulfilling your dream shouldn’t be a chore; it should be an adventure. There will be obstacles, yes, but you can still have fun along the way. The realization of your dream will last for a moment while the journey to realize it can be rather lengthy. Don’t waste that time in frustration; enjoy yourself.

Upon arriving in the city of the “floating lights,” Rapunzel and Flynn spend the day exploring the city while they wait for nightfall. The moment Rapunzel has been waiting for her entire life is only hours away but, rather than gawking at the sky in anxious expectation, she spends the remaining hours having fun. She paints on the street, she dances in the square, and she reads in the library. She does not let her end-goal take away from the opportunities in the here-and-now.

What about you? Are you having fun yet? Or, are you tired and burnt out from your journey? Determination is one thing; exasperation is something else entirely. Stress is a dream-killer. If you don’t love the journey taken to realize it, the actual fulfillment of your dream won’t mean as much. You’ll find yourself questioning whether or not it was worth the trouble. So, do yourself a favor and have a little fun.

#7. Find a New Dream
What happens when you actually achieve your dream? What then? What if it isn’t all that you dreamed it would be? And what if it is? What do you do after you’ve already attained that which you’ve been wishing for your entire life? At this point, you’ve got to find another dream.

As Rapunzel is waiting in a boat on the river for the floating lights to appear, she poses this very question to Flynn. His response: “That’s the good part, I guess. You get to find a new dream.” Of course, Flynn and Rapunzel fall in love and Flynn himself becomes her new dream.

What will your new dream be? Once you’ve accomplished what you set out to do, what will you do then? If you don’t develop a new ambition, you’ll be sticking yourself back into a tower all over again. You see, life isn’t about one huge success; it’s about a series of successes. The successful person is the one who never stops pursuing dreams. You’ve achieved your dream? Great! Now, what’s next?

Dreaming is great. But nothing really happens until you wake up. Are you ready to wake up and do something? Are you willing to put in the work it takes to be successful? If so, what are you waiting for? The realization of a dream awaits you.

Doug Rice is an Internet Sales Consultant for a large automotive group in northeast Ohio and western Pennsylvania. He has a degree in economics and is working toward an MBA. As a sales and marketing enthusiast, Doug blogs regularly and actively participates in social media. He enjoys coffee, wildlife, church, and conversation.